mixture feelings

haiz. haiz.

i dunno wad to say bout him. He form his own band, and his requirements are different from us. i know that his expectations are high, but he is trying to hide it, trying to lower it, so as to seek the potential ppl out.

Just now I sms him and clarified things with him.
it was till now then i realise that there is lack of communication between us. even though we know each other for months, but i still dun understand him. so wad if i try to do that? even though we are on good terms, so?

i was foolish enough to have some foolish thoughts bout him. he will not do things within my expectations. he knows wad he wants to do and knows how to get it.

i admit that i am lazy. due to my family and com prob, i was unable to download the program that they sent. i dun dare to tell them , not even him, cuz i was afraid that he may laugh at me and may think that it is just a stupid excuse for not doin my part.

and i realise that my indecisiveness leads to today's situation.
blame myself
blame myself for forming the band?
blame myself for thinking that band is cool?
blame myself for trying to make my dreams come true?

i tried to communicate with him
tried to understand him
but the door of his world is alwaz closed on me

also blame myself for the infatuation
damn damn damn
wake up to the reality world
suddenly realised a lot of stuffs

everybody is growing
ppl has their own expectations and dreams
ppl are not as easy as they looks like

now, i am in doubt of myself
just when i thought that i am in control of the whole situation
things are actually not within my control.

should i quit or should i continue?
but , i do not wish to live my life plainly
i want to do things before the day i leave
before i am too old to do anything
i dun want to live the life that my family expects from me
get a boyfriend, work, get married, have kids, become housewife for the rest of my years
no

speechless
lots of things that i want to say
but this damn computer has no chinese language installed!
i can't write in chinese using tis damn com!
arghhh!
my chinese is better den my english. (pls pardon me for my broken english)

i could have chosen to go for proper vocal lessons at HaiDie, and get spotted by the teachers, and go abroad for better future.
but i don't want to . u can say tt i am stupid for not doin tt. cuz i want to stay with my band and be with them.
i used to b solitary, but since the day i joined SPLA.
i like to be with a group of good friends tcss.

tt is y i chose to form a band.
well, i guess i should look on the bright side, and continue my life.
things will get better somehow.

self consoling again. haiz ... ... i used to counsel and console my friends. i am good at consoling ppl and make them feel happy and feel that hopes are everywhere. but, come to think of it, no one bothers to console and cares bout me. hmm.. except for my family members and some friends only.

my sis commented tt all these prob can be avoided, but i asked for it. she disapprove of my band and cosplay stuffs. but, i don't like her to disapprove it. but as time passes by, i realise that i dun have to do wad she likes. juz as long as i am happy with my current life.

lately, my feelings become more and more mixtured. there was tis period of time, when i dun feel any feelings at all.

no joy, no tears, no worries, no frustrations, no surprises.

wad i had on my face was juz plain blank expression. anything that happen on me, i juz brush it aside and treat it like nothing happened. try doin tt for 1 whole day, 1 week, 1 month.. ... ...

but suddenly, this person juz came into my life. and makes me feel flustered again. it has been a long time since i felt tis way. but too bad.

it is either too late or too early.

though we get along quite well, but there is the age issue that is serious. and i am sure tt ppl around us will be so totally surprised. i dunno how he feels bout me and wad he is thinkin. anywae, being friends is good enough. i wouldn't want to lose this good friend if i confess. been suppressing my feelings, and tellin myself that reality hurts, better to keep it to myself, stop crying at nite on the bed, look on the bright side, being friends ain't nothing wrong, is good to keep relationship in this way.

well, did a lot of soul searching. haha. hmm. .. ... .. speechless. speechless when i see him. speechless when i see another him. speechless when i see the "cixi empress" at home.

arghhh. being emo again. though i appear to b a happy-go-lucky person in front of my friend, actually when i am alone, i tend to think a lot of stuffs. emo. is it alwayz good to pity on her? is it really k tt i am kind to ppl? when ppl dun even appreciate it.

phew. long time no blog. now , i am actually blogging such a long essay. hhaaha. update u guys again.

oh ya. do watch out for some of my own composed songs, stories (fan fiction), drawings.
damn. i dun haf a scanner at home, can't scan my drawings. looks like i haf to borrow my friend scanner or do it at some other place. damn. i really prefer to type in chinese, den in english. i can express better in chinese den english. mayb i can try bloggin at some lan shop with chinese words program.

gtg. haf to do housework ...looks at the time. oops. didn't realise tt i haf been bloggin for the past 1 hour. hahha. aiya. tml den do housework la. veri lazy. hahaa. usually i do housework on weekends. cuz after work on weekdays, i reach home after 8 due to overtime work. too lazy to do housework. no energy.

^-^ ~~~~ always look on the bright side of life (whistles) x4