I have a bad habit. I alwaz cry before i sleep every nite. Sometimes i made myself cry, in order to feel better. Sometimes it is the things in life makes me feel angry and sad.

not able to go for tis weekend jamming with band due to family prob. Cuz of my step mom. Step sis reminded me tt we have to take turns to go out, so as not to anger step mom .

den i realise tt, it is actually i myself can't get through my own self. 我过不了我自己这一关。有时，我设法使自己哭。哭到我睡觉为至。我会觉得好过一点。 我是否应该看心理医生？

我时常告诉我自己，我必须要勇敢，要克服心理障碍。但是我做不到。

也是因为后母，所以我不敢找男朋友。有时候我觉得我不应该被爱。有时对自己没有信心。

或许我真的要看开一点。

一定要努力下去。

有算命师说过，
我的一生要靠我自己的努力。
我必须要努力争取我要的东西。
我很羡慕那些不用努力，一生不愁吃，不愁穿的人。

但是，往好的方面去想。
学会自己努力去争取，会锻炼自己的毅力，更加会珍惜生边的事物与人。

不应该再哭了。
真的好想要一个温暖的怀抱。
nite

mon again ....

10 am
I am not goin to stress someone. Cuz it is of no use. I’ll stay optimistic and smiley always.
Yesterday, went jamming with band. Finally, got one guitarist into our band liao. Asked shino to session for us, instead of joining us permanently. Cuz he is busy preparing for tests and has a side band too. Our female guitarist is still in the midst of preparing for A levels. Awww... miss her.
Anyway, it has been a year since i last jammed with him. (when we are in my previous band).
He has improved a lot. However due to school work and tests, so he did not have much time to practice for some of the songs. But he can handle 304 goushitsu hakushi no sakura (dir en grey song) quite well. And i can play tt song while singing. Yeah!! Finally, i can sing and play the part where it goes “yurari yurari yurari tooooo mauuuuu~~”. LoL laaa
Our band decided not to join the performance for matsuri at vivo, at end of aug. Sian. Due to 2 members havin something on tt day. Sian arhhhhh!!!!!!!!! Sobbzzz. Gotta wait for other events in sept, oct, nov, dec... can’t wait siahhhh.
Lunch time!
12.43 pm

Who wants sex ? 50 per session

I am cryin cuz of step mom.

she humiliated me. But i dun want to quarrel. So i kept quiet. Later she'll scold and beat everyone in the house, bro and sis. Sis only commented a small remark. Den step mom flare up. She slap my step sis. And scold her. Den she turn back, saw me sittin on my bed. And scold me for my passion for japanese stuffs. I didn't say anything at all. She just scold . She nearly wanted to beat me. I lifted my right hand up and covered my face, closed my eyes tight. My fist was clenched. I almost wanted to hit her back, but didn't.

den she went out of room. Step sis complained and cried. I didn't say much, but i cried too.

spoil my mood.

i didn't retaliate cuz want to keep peace at home.
step mom scold, beat, threaten, nag over small things. Vent anger out on ppl to relieve stress. She played stocks and shares, lost money, pay for debts, temper grew bad, started to vent anger on everyone to relieve stress.

so, i didn't let her know how broke i am. I admit i am useless, cuz didn't save up money. I left with 20 dollar, couldn't withdraw the last 20 dollar. Damn it. Tried desperately to borrow money from friend. And asked my friend to return me my money, she borrow 50 from me. I dunno who else i can turn to. I scared tt, i will succumb to temptation by jumping off 18 level. Or worse still, i may want to sell my body for money. At least i have money for daily expense. And pay for home misc expenses. I'm still tryin to borrow money from friends. But not much reply me. I will return them money once i get my pay next week. They dunno the serious ness .

if no money, no money to buy food for family. Mom scold, beat me. Sometimes i am scared of her. Cuz she is fierce and strict. I am useless, cuz i fear her. But i am startin to detest step mom. I lost the respect for her.

i dunno how am i goin to survive. I owe few friends money. And i have not return them. I'll return them, but not so fast.
i think on sun, after jammin, i'll go some nearby hotels, to get some men to bed, and earn money.

who wants sex ? I'll bed u but u gotta pay me. $50 per session. Virgin here. Guys and lesbians are welcomed.

just now go out with glg . Felt happy. At least i felt happy and relaxed. We chatted, walked from bugis to suntec and back to bugis. Now i feel much better. And i decided not to be serious in tis relationship. Cuz we did not even started. We can be good friends. And i dun mind. So i dun feel so sad already. We like each other but didn't get together, due to age.
i am so much older den him. anyway, sometimes it is better to be friends den to be couple. So wad if we become a couple?
bein couple does not means we'll be together forever.

only thing tt keeps me livin on is work(cuz earn money and my colleagues are nice). And my band. And my dear pretty glg. Ha ha. *wants a mega hugs hugs*
lol. Nite. Think can't sleep well tonight.
hope tt i can see day light.



Ll

Oyasumi nasai

I couldn't stop myself from crying to sleep, for these few nights.

i dunno why.

couldn't sleep.

tears just flowed endlessly upon missing someone

too emo la
scold myself
useless bum
stupid fool
damn asshole

on tues mornin, i cried again in the bus. Stupid . . . . . .

oyasumi nasai . . . . . *i want hug hug**pouts**

Now in the bus, on the way home . .

wanted to meet glg. But he say see first, den he never reply .

sian.

went to plaza singapura alone and go daiso , to get cleaning sponge for my boy. Cuz i want to clean his body. His body is dirty liao, need to clean.

lucky i went there. Cuz saw my old friend from poly. Xg. Long time no see her liao. So happy to see her and her bf there. Chatted for awhile only lor.

den i walk to bugis, shopped around for awhile. Den ate supper. Hungry liao ler . . .

feelin sian la . . . . Despite i am now listenin to a hippy happy song by kagra. The song is ano saka wo noboreba.

this afternoon, while at sgcafe, i came across a thread bout the world cyber game event. They lookin for performers on sat, 9 aug. I wanna join. Too bad due to place constrain, band performance are not allowed. So they lookin for 8 singers. 1 song per person. I wanna go la ! Most prob i do ready steady go or new world by L'arc en ciel. Cuz most people are familiar with these 2 songs. And they are used for anime title. And is veri catchy and fast songs. I hope they will choose me and audition me. *can't wait*

still in the bus . . . Bloging usin hp .

sleepy . . . Yawn

Cannot sleep.

listenin to radio.

wad r u doin now?

have i become history in ur life?

dun be so emo nya . . . . .

要看开一点。


_-_-_
dun be so sad, k?

just remember, i'll be here when u need someone

there is no such thing as , game over

i dun mean any harm

neither will i expect anything much from u

but i can be ur forever friend

*huggles tightly*

*sayang*


nite ^^

Supposed to meet glg de. But he last min got urgent thing. So didn't meet up. Sian.
hungry. But no appetite to eat. Also good. Can Save up money.

sian. Have to bear till end of month, for my pay. If company pay by cheque, tt means i'll have to wait till start of next month. Oh my freakin gosh. I need da money to eat, give family, pay stuffs.

i damn useless la. Didnt save up much money last time. I one month never go shoppin ler. Only go window shoppin.

now walkin back home from mrt.

the matsuri at vivo at end of aug , have performin slots leh ! I wanna perform with my band. Not yet tell my members. Can't wait. Can't wait. Been waitin and practicin for 2 years liao. . Wanna perform leh. If can perform, hope tt ppl will support us. *excited excited*

my chiaki and tiara is still with my friend. He is not done yet with the face up. Hope tt he does a good job. I give him 2 weeks to do it. If he does a bad job, i'll smash his dolls . *jokin* at the most i'll complain only la.

the summer festival is comin too. Yeah! August is filled with events! Not so borin. My sis and her friend came along last year. Both of them was so excited and happy la. They still want to come tis year. Sian. I want my glg to come too. He is comin too. Yeah. But dunno last min, he can come or not. Sian la . .

now singing aegen by malice mizer, while walkin back home and blogging at the same time . . .

tml, i hope to meet glg leh. But my colleagues and boss wants to go eat dinner, den go ktv , to celebrate a major contract signed with a major bank. Hmmm . . . . Have to choose either one choice. Or go home and watch tv ? 0_o
eh. . . Tml is fri leh. Should go out relax relax la . . . *pats shoulder*

ohayou ^^

ohayou !! ^^

a brand new day

i have decided to be strong

wtf ?

LoL

I can't sleep at all .

keep playin my lullabies to coax me to sleep. Now listenin to class 95 radio.
it is playin "right now waitin" by richard marx.

waitin is a long period of time. And is tormenting.

knnccb.

arghh.
can't sleep. Can't sleep. *counts sheeps to sleep *

can't sleep.
can't sleep.

thinkin of him.

*throws pillow and tissue box on the floor*

better go sleep . . . .
*hugs bolster tightly*

I think i heard my heart shattered into pieces . . .

can it be put back in to one piece?

i put my home and office keys in my bag. And i can always find the keys to home and office.
But i can't find the keys to my heart. Neither can i find the keys to his heart .

some times things is better to remain tt way. Cuz it will not hurt both parties.

dun worry. I'll be fine.
i will be strong .

i panicked when he tell me.
i dunno why. tears rolled down cheeks.
i mistook the way he treat me.
never mind
i shall accompany him when he needs someone
at least we can still be friends

oyasumi nasai ~~~^^

knn ccb

i mistake bout someone ler.

i think too much liao.

*slap myself*

muz clarify with him bout some stuffs.

knn ccb

take note

i am alone in the office now.
cuz just now while eatin cup noodle for dinner, other colleagues went for dinner. they asked me along. though i was tempted to, but i decided not to. so tt i can save up the money. the money that I am left with, is for use till end of this month or start of next month.

gambate!!
i can save money de!

cannot anyhow spend la.. i am now immuned to shopping when i see a sale. anyway i dun shop much for clothes. i shop more for comics, gothic lolita bible (magazines), and gothic lolita clothes.

now, listening to "Zencho" by Malice Mizer. This song is instrumental and is a veri romantic song.

just now a friend of mine sms me and advised me to be careful, and not to believe another friend's words. cuz they are afraid tt i may get conned or cheated by feelings.

i thank them for their advise. meanwhile, i myself have to be more wary of other people.

to those who are concern,
dun worry.
i can resist temptation from pushing the window open and jump down the 18th level(my house level).
i can resist temptation from taking the fan or chair to hit my step sis and step mom when humiliated, insulted and scolded.

i am surprised at myself for my high levels of tolerance, immunity to humiliation and insults, patience towards family and friends, low level of anger, high level of anger management.


emo again ...wtf ....... .......

heee heee

someone asked me a ques..

i purposely drag the answer .
hhaha

cuz they are so surprised tt he and me will go stead together.
LoL

need to get a new cbox. dunno y , cannot view the cbox, cannot chat. siann..

addicted to malice mizer's songs ...

i dunno wad happen. sometimes i can view the blog. sometimes cannot ...
da ma de ..
dammit

have to log in to my acc, post something, or change settings or template, den go blog,den i can view the blog.
kanasaiiii

still at work.
finally! finally finish the patent application thing. yeah!!!

mwahahaha

lately been listening to malice mizer's songs. damn nice la ..the songs tt is composed in their early era is soothin, instrumental .. nice....
i often listen to it before i go to sleep at nite. cuz some songs are soothing and is suitable to play as Lullaby. though some are not lullaby, but it sounds nice. not the typical jrock songs, different from the typical jrock band.
eg. Regret, Aegen, Claire, Le Ciel, Gardenia, Zencho, EGEE umi ni sasagu ~the vault of heaven~ , Au Revoir, Premier Amour, Apres midi,

addicted to the "Claire" song *sings*
anata towa , kuru sepia, mada kimi no subetaga mienai ....

doki doki ど き ど き

heeeeeeeeee

got to know this new guy... not really new guy. known each other for half year plus... but not close friends..cuz got to know him at my friend's shop.
anyway we got together la... wheeeeeeee

thus, i am in happy mood lately.
ど き ど き
ど き ど き
す き てす ....

but due to age difference, i didn't let my family know..
can say i stupid la.. y go for such young guy.. alamak la..
being single for 2 years is considered good and bad thing...
i kept askin myself lots of ques...
when there are 3 candidates on the list, they have been tryin hard for past half year plus.. i didn't consider. but when i met and got to know better the no 4 candidate, and i just accept him quite fast... gosh

.... anyway.. as long as we are happy. as long as he is happy, i also happy la..

cosfest 08

went to cosfest last last sat.
it was fun and tiring. hahaha
it's been a long time since i last went to a proper cosplay event.
the event organised at chinatown point was inorganised, timing all messed up . kanasai . cuz tt organiser is inexperienced de.

anyway, took loads of pix. but lazy to post up.
if interested, pls go sgcafe to view the cosplay pix. cuz there are lots of better quality pix taken by pro photographers.
i used my hp to take. so the quality is not so good.
cannot find my camera la!!! i dunno where i put it.
think when i was clearing my stuffs, i incidentally put it together in the trash of rubbish , and threw it away.. omg!!!

on cosfest day 1, i cosplayed as megumi yuasa from Blaue Rosen comic. but i cosfucked cuz of the wig. it is too curly. most of the cosplayers notice my hair first, cuz it is curly . and some commented tt i look veri mature and lady in it. but cuz it is curly, the top of the wig was a bit bulging out. thus makin my head look big. kao la... cheebye.
but the curls at end of wig looks nice. i'll try to wash it again in hot water. so tt i can use tt wig again , in further cosplay, or wear it with my lolita clothes..
will look soo damnnn kawaiiii la.
LoL

on day 2 of cosfest, i wore gothic and a bit punk. wanted to do megumi again, and carry a guitar around. cuz megumi is guitarist of the BR band.but sis keep commenting tt i sucks in tt wig. she suggested me to wear gothic punk or jrock, cuz it suite me a lot. woah.. unexpectedly, she like to see me and support me in those dressing.

my sis tagged along on day 1 cuz she never been to such event. and she wanted to see the cosplayers. and she was so excited la..she was even excited and happy, when i got back chiaki and tiara from Honey. my sis like Tiara a lot la. and kept playing with her when we were at Burger King.

on day 2, i was alone. but i went around looking for friends. took more photos on day 2. played with my friends' weapon, sword, gun and posed with it. practicin my poses with weapons.

luckily, i met takuya, nosuke, celine , guoming at end of cosfest. cuz i was alone and wanted to hang around with some friends. and then, i saw them.
wah kaooo.. takuya and nosuke is sooo yaoi lor. they kept posing those yaoi shots and keep giving the yaoi expression.. i kept laughing loud. and their actions drew lots of attention from other cosplayers.

hanged out with them , went to bugis, and stayed till 9 plus..den i went off first lorh..

can't wait for next cosplay event.
i wanna do asagi cosplay.. startin to plan now.

New Job

Today is the third day of the new job.
Things are bit bored. But i still have things to do. But i have to discipline myself. Cuz at times, i am surfing the net, watching pvs at youtube. LoL.

i am in the admin dept. but also have to do some accounts stuff. right now, the main priority is to apply for copyright, trademarks, patent for the new company. cuz this company is a new company. so , this step is veri important.
i thought it would be easy. read up the info on site, look for the appropriate forms, fill in , and submit. but there are lots of troublesome things to look out for. kao... and while reading the info, i realised tt there are lots of things similar to the law stuffs. i suddenly feel like a lawyer.. hahahaha.
den one of the senior colleague told me that, if i can handle the patents application thing, i am considered a lawyer. 50% of a lawyer ... kaoooo ...


there are only 9 people in the company.
but luckily there are 2 big companies sponsoring and backing up this company.


finally got a new guitarist into my band.
well... not really new guitarist. he is just sessioning for our band.
he is the lead guitarist in my first band.
after the band disbanded, he joined another band.
and i joined my current band.
as my current female guitarist is busy preparing for A level, so she will not be able to join us for jamming for several months.
therefore, i asked my friend to join us.
his skills is average, not bad la. well.. gotta jam with him, in order to know how much he has improved.

till now, my current band has been formed for 8 months plus. jammed a lot of times, covered a lot of songs. but no original songs composed yet. arghh.... veri lazy siah...

tis week, we are coverin dir en grey songs! yeah!! jamming 304 goushitsu no sakura, and The Final. i like the 304 song , cuz the guitar part is easy la. can play while singing.
The final sounds damn great for headbanging. hahahha. the song is shiok siah.
addicted to that song.
can go www.jrock-utilidades.blogspot.com or www.japanvisualkei.blogspot.com to dl the songs.

there are lots of jrock songs there for me to dl and listen .. mwahahhaha

hope to knock off work soooooooon......




tiara and chiaki is at honey place. how i miss them... can't wait for tis upcoming cosfest event. cuz will be takin them back. told my sis bout tiara.. she is excited bout tiara and likes her. hope tt she dun tell mom bout both my dolls. if so, i will sell my dolls away, before my mom sees it and throw it away. haiz .........

told my sis tt tiara is bought as a birthday present for her. but decided to give money as present instead.

kaooooo ........... thinnk most doll owners will encounter such dillemmas with family bah...